Things I Don’t Understand About John Doe


Feel free to replace John Doe with whatever man martian you’ve ever dealt with or are currently dealing with. There are some, no A LOT of things I have not been able to fully grasp and understand when it comes to the male species. After speaking with a few of my male friends and my friends boyfriends I am even further from being understanding of all their quirks and confusion.

How come what you say you want doesn’t match your WCW

Martian: “It’s not that deep, be realistic most dudes are not even going to pull a chick like that. It’s like me dying for a Bentley knowing that my price point is a Honda civic. If someone chooses to be with you, they are with you – now you’re dealing with your own insecurities”.  

Me: So I’m a Honda now? Nah I’m a Tesla.

Bro’s before..

Martian: “I have single friends and its sometimes hard to just be like I’m doing something with my girl that I normally would’ve done with them”. 

Me: Honestly bromances are cute until you choose to go to the Roots Picnic with them instead of me. I think guy friends are just for playing 2K and watching/playing sports, like why would they want to go on vacation without de kid (I’m de kid).

Emotions, I don’t have those

Me: So John Doe how do you feel about us?”

John Doe: *crickets* *awkward silence* *deep sigh* followed by a fragmented statement that of course I am supposed to accept at face value. Grrr. Open up and show yourself.

Why bother starting something if you’re not going to try?

Martian: “It’s something to do – they’re there if you want to Facetime, get something to eat, have sex so you do just enough to keep them around”. “Dudes are going to do just as much as they are required to do, and if chicks allow that they’ll be 1 of 5 on the roster”.  

Me: These are real bars from real guys, I have no comment but take heed.

Martian: “It’s the chase. The first month is lit, then it’s like okay who next”.

Me: For me it’s just like we gotta keep this fire burning baby. If we’re going to choose to do this, please believe that we both have an obligation to make each other feel like we are back in our honeymoon stages.

Why do you think you’re so simple and easy to understand? Just because you can be sorted into the boob or butt guy category doesn’t make you any less complicated.

Martian: “we are simple”, we only want a few things”, “women over complicate stuff and mess it up.”

Me: After hearing these statements I immediately wanted to dissect these allegations. I’ve always felt like there is more to something than what is exactly expressed. I have never been able to accept that something so simple can be so transparent, so self explanatory, and so uncomplicated. When I say or do anything it is a result of an experience or emotion and I tend to hold these martians to that same basis of thinking.

Honestly I still don’t get it, ya’ll don’t make any sense, but thanks 🙂 

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